I'm impure

It hurts just a little.

Well, I'm back from my little hiatus. My life, though markedly better than it was a couple months ago, was shockingly un-blogworthy.

But I'm back. And it turns out I’m impure. Surprised? Okay fine, I know I’m no saint, but I never thought I’d be officially declared unfit for something.

Not too long ago, someone suggested I try this Jewish matchmaking service while I’m on my quest to find my “more-than-one.” The first thing I thought of was an old, fat, hairy lady with a schmate on her head and a big mole on her cheek. Needless to say, I wasn’t wild about the idea. But I’ve been on a Millionaire Matchmaker kick lately, and I thought, hey, if my matchmaker were less Old Esther and more Patti Stanger, I could definitely work with this.

I should probably explain something. Though I’m Jewish in culture and ethnicity, I’ve never really made religion a part of my life. I don’t go to temple, I never had a Bat Mitzvah, I don’t own a menorah and throughout my childhood, Santa came to my house and gave me presents each year. But culturally, I feel very connected to Judaism. When it comes to dating, I like the idea of a Jewish man not because of the religious importance, but because Jewish men tend to be a little more family-focused, and that’s very important to me. I’d like to settle down and start a family in the near future, and I need someone who wants the same thing.

So I sucked it up and repeated this to someone who cared: my matchmaker. After writing my little essays about who I am and what I’m looking for, I continued on to provide all the other required information. When I got to the part about my religious background, I began to get the sinking feeling that I might not be quite Jewish enough for this service.

For starters, “culturally Jewish but not practicing” was not an option in the “what kind of Jew are you?” section. So I went with Reform, which is the next most lax type of Judaism. Then it asked me if I wear long skirts or if I wear pants too. Uhh… I think you can guess which one I picked there.

Then I saw something I’d never seen before. “Can you marry a Cohen?” I had no clue what this meant, but fortunately there was a little link underneath that said “IMPORTANT: For marrying Cohen criteria, click here.” So I clicked, and it said “In order to marry a Cohen, you have to fulfill all three of the following requirements: 1) When you were born, both your mother and father were Jewish. 2) Never divorced.” Okay, so far, so good. I still don’t know what a Cohen is, but it looks like I can marry one. Then finally, “3) Never had sexual relations with a non-Jew.”

Well, there goes my Cohen. I knew right off the bat, without thinking, that the first person I ever had “sexual relations” with was not a Jew, nor was the last. Then I got to thinking about the ones in between. In my head, I went through my list. Nope, he wasn’t a Jew. Neither was he. I went through everyone with whom I’d ever had “sexual relations” and realized I’d never even had sexual relations with a Jew!

It kind of hurt my feelings that I wasn’t allowed to marry a Cohen just because I’ve been involved in the spreading of non-Jew seed, but I still didn’t even know what a Cohen was. So I googled. And when I googled, I didn’t like what I found, not at all.

I still don’t really understand what a Cohen is. I think it has something to do with being a direct descendent of Moses or something. And supposedly there is some sort of metaphysical reality that prevents a Cohen from being able to create a proper bond with anyone who does not meet the criteria because they have an obligation to maintain the highest level of Jewish holiness.

Then I googled some more and found something about some girl who lied and said she’d never had sex with a non-Jew when she really had, and everyone found out and it was a huge scandal. Then I found some guy talking about how it’s okay for him to marry a girl who was raped by a non-Jew as a child because he’s sterile. And then I found something about how if a Cohen sleeps with a girl who’s slept with a gentile, he becomes a Cohen with a blemish (no, not the herp, a blemish on his soul).

Then I stopped googling because that shit was just getting waaaaay too crazy for me.

So it sounds like a Cohen would probably be way too Jewish for me in the first place, but I still felt a bit sad about being labeled as impure or as worthy of causing a blemish on someone’s soul! But I also have to admit it was a little fun to get to run around yelling “I’m impure, I’m impure! Help, I’m unclean!”

Maybe I’ll just have to find a nice man who is not a Cohen, but whose last name is Cohen. I think that might be a bit easier to find…