Putting the Kibosh on Loneliness

I often find myself here. Hay, guitar, being a man and everything.

I'm baaaack. I thought I could stay away, but I missed it too much. Today I had a fit of empty creativity and decided I wanted to write a book. In the past few months, I've decided I'm going to write both a young adult novel in which the girl doesn't end up with either of the boys because she's a strong, independent woman, and a dating self-help book. Odd match... I'll start with bringing my blog back for now. And hopefully, it'll be getting a facelift in the near future!

Speaking of facelifts, I've done a few to my life since I last wrote. I've started a new job, cut off all my hair, and... well, I guess the job's really the big one. I also took a pretty big break from dating, but in the past few months I hit the dating scene again... with a vengeance. I'm not talking different dates every day of the week, but let's just say my dates have said "oh yeah, you told me that already" on more than one occasion because I just can't keep track of who I'd told what. You'll notice, though, that this means I went on multiple dates with people. Not my typical one date, find something I hate and blow it to pieces nonsense. Progress!

Anyway, I went on a few dates with a Jewish lawyer; the thought of kissing him was repulsive, so I put the kibosh on that. Then I went on a bunch of dates with a nice guy who I finally decided wasn't actually shy, just boring. Then there was a guy who was just a little too aggressive about taking me rock climbing and whose sexuality seemed a little questionable, so that didn't go too far. 

And then I met a guy for what was supposed to be coffee, but turned into coffee, a walk by the lake, gelato and margaritas. He was out-of-my-league cute and I don't even have low self-esteem, smart, polite, hilarious and I felt like we'd never run out of things to talk about. I would go so far as to say it was the best first date I'd ever been on. And while typical me would have gotten a rush of anxiety and nausea and lost interest when he texted me within 20 minutes of leaving, I felt sweet relief and excitement.  Typical me would have been pissed off and thought it inconsiderate when he asked me out for drinks last minute, but this me eagerly said yes. And this me even willingly gave it another shot after a somewhat disastrous second date. This me had a crush on this guy, and this me wasn't afraid of it for once.

Though less afraid, there was a part of me that was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. There's always, something, right? Well, in this case, it turned out to be unresolved baggage from his last long-term relationship (though I suspect it may have had something to do with my religious beliefs, or lack thereof, but that's a whole other story). He told me about how special I am and how well we worked together but that he's just not where he thought he was, etc. etc. etc. 

I don't find it interesting that this was out of nowhere, I don't find it interesting that I'm pretty sure he liked me even more than I liked him - what I find interesting is what happened when I called my mom to tell her about it and found myself actually sobbing. I'm not talking a few stray tears here, I'm talking ugly, snot everywhere, incoherent sobbing. 

Let's back it up here. Was I sobbing about the fact that it didn't work out with him in particular? No. I mean, I liked the guy a lot, I enjoyed being around him and I wanted to see where it went. But I'd known him a couple weeks. I may have shed like one tear for him, maybe two, but this was just so far beyond being about him.

"I *gasp* just *gasp* CANNOT *noseblow* do this EVERY TIME!" And that was just it. At that very moment, I truly believed I could not handle another disappointment. It was the fact that I had gotten myself a little excited about something that didn't work out... sound familiar? Of course it does. As my father always says, every relationship and potential relationship you have will end badly until your last. But it's hard to remember that when you've just had your ego stepped on a bit. 

And then came the kicker: "I'M GOING TO BE ALONE FOREVER." This is the scariest one. What woman hasn't feared having a roommate or a cat forever? I remember, at a rather low point in my life, watching the first episode of a strange, short-lived show about a support group for suicide survivors, and the female character came home from work, fed her cat, made brownies from a box and started crying. Then she tried to kill herself, which is a little extreme, but with the exception of the suicide part, what woman hasn't played that exact scenario in her imagination, fearing it could become her reality? 

But that very thought is the one that has sent me back to reality: what woman hasn't? I seem to be meeting a lot of single women these days, and more often than not, we bond and develop friendships over this same fear. When one of these new friends and I were in a similar situation recently, it seemed every time one of us would send the other a text, the response would be the same: "I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT." In fact, one friend and I even recently discovered we both take showers as a way of passing the time when waiting for a guy to text us back. The conversation basically went like this:

ME: Sometimes I take a shower and hope by the time I get out he'll have responded.

FRIEND: OH MY GOD ME TOO.

ME: Or I'll leave my phone at home when I go run errands and say "I just need to disconnect for awhile," but really it's just so I don't give myself a heart attack checking my phone every three seconds.

FRIEND: YES!!!!

ME: WE ARE OUT OF OUR FUCKING MINDS.

Just today, I read something from a single woman who becomes paranoid that her friends and family think maybe she's just secretly a closeted lesbian since she still hasn't found a guy. And you know what I thought? THANK GOD I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS ABOUT THAT! It was so amazingly comforting to know I'm not alone, to know that even my deepest darkest singledom paranoias are shared by others. Talk about a relief!

So it's a few days later and I feel great. I don't believe the "everything happens for a reason" bullshit, but I do believe that eventually, someday, I will be in the right place at the right time and meet someone who is also in the right place at the right time and end my days as a single woman. But even if it takes awhile, I know I'm not alone in the confusing, tumultuous world of being alone.

It's good to be back.