She's Just Not That into You

You already know how I feel about dating rule books. But I’m beginning to think it might be time for me to write one called “She’s Just Not That into You.” Seriously. I thought guys were supposed to think literally, like guys. But it looks like maybe they need a little tough love, too.

Awhile back, I was supposed to have a setup blind date with a guy. I’d seen pictures of him and spoken to him via phone and text a few times, and I really wasn’t looking forward to the date. I wanted to give him a chance, but every time the big day came, I was either exhausted, busy, stressed out, in a bad mood or otherwise just not in the mood for a date. So I canceled.

We had finally set a day that I’d planned to stick to. But by the time it came around, I was feeling as underwhelmed as ever. Do you ever see someone you think is ugly, but in an attractive way? Like, he’s not at all attractive but for some reason you just want him to be your boyfriend? I’m not talking personality-wise here, I just mean there’s something attractive about his ugliness. That’s what the deal was with this guy. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized how absurd it is.

Not to mention, homeboy was boring. When I spoke to him on the phone, it was one of those conversations where I found myself pacing around like I do during phone interviews for jobs, nervous, trying to think of the right answer. Except with him I was searching not for impressive answers, but for something to even talk about in the first place.

So I decided to employ the title of one of my favorite movies and do the right thing. I needed to let him know that I needed to cancel and not reschedule, but I know the male ego is a delicate thing. I decided to skip the “You’re unattractive and boring” method of action, and went with the white lie. Here’s the texting conversation that ensued:

ME: I’m really sorry, but I need to cancel tonight. I kind of unexpectedly reconnected with someone, and I’m a one-at-a-time kind of girl. I need to see where this is going before I meet anyone new.

HIM: It’s fine, I just wish you’d been up front from the beginning.

ME: It was really recent, everything else has been legit. I didn’t expect this to happen. I’m sorry about this, and I wish you luck.

HIM: I hope you can see why, with my past experience, that’s hard to believe. And if it just happened, why didn’t you say something when I confirmed last night?

Rather than get myself further into my white lie, which had so terribly backfired, I decided to just say nothing. I was a little annoyed. I get that I wasted his time, for which I apologized, but I hadn’t even met the guy. It was way too early for this level of discord. This was the conversation I’d expect to have with someone I’d been on a few dates with. Saying nothing and letting it go seemed like the best option, until I received another text a few hours later:

HIM: So I’m assuming your lack of communication means you agree with me. Glad we’re on the same page. :)

WHOA. The psycho alarm bells started going off in my head. I had to say something.

ME: No, it doesn’t. It means it’s a complicated story and I don’t feel like I have to explain it to you. I have no clue what will happen with this guy. Maybe nothing. But as of late last night, any new person I meet won’t have my full attention, and that’s not fair. I’ve been honest with you, whether you choose to believe it or not.

HIM: Here’s the bottom line. Despite everything going on in your life, if you had really wanted to meet me, you would have found an hour to spare over the past few weeks. No one is that busy. But it’s fine. It’s your loss.

It’s your loss? Really? Isn’t that something your BFF or your mom tells you when you get dumped? I’ve always believed “It’s his loss” or “it’s her loss” to be one of those empty things people say to you, like when someone dies and people say “I’m sorry for your loss.” It’s a nice gesture, but it doesn’t change anything or make the situation suck any less. But I’ve never heard of anyone over the age of about 15 say “It’s your loss” as an insult or comeback when they’re being rejected.

Maybe lying is wrong. Maybe I should’ve been honest and said “Sorry for being indecisive and wasting your time, but I’m just not that into you.” But I tried to do the right thing. I’d never met the guy, so I didn’t think he’d value my honesty—I figured he’d appreciate an easy letdown, even if he didn’t know the truth. What guy wants to hear “Sorry, but you’re ugly and boring, never mind?”

So here’s rule number one of my imaginary book: If a girl you’ve never met makes any reason to cancel a date without attempting to reschedule, she’s just not that into you. Pick up the pieces of your shattered ego and move along to the next contestant.